


The Mysterious Man Who Singlehandedly Saved 50 Years of Canon

by yearn4themoon



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: 50th anniversary fix it, Comedy, Complete crack, Did I Mention Crack?, F/M, Not Serious, Strong Language, anti-moffat
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-28
Updated: 2016-01-28
Packaged: 2018-05-16 18:38:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,533
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5836429
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yearn4themoon/pseuds/yearn4themoon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A complete crackity crack rewrite of a certain scene from the 50th anniversary special.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Mysterious Man Who Singlehandedly Saved 50 Years of Canon

**Author's Note:**

> So, I posted this to Tumblr shortly after the 50th aired, but realized I hadn't posted it here yet. So here ya are. 
> 
> Here's the disclaimers about this fic: So this happened. It’s all rudennotgingr’s fault, and I love her for it. Complete and utter anti-moffat!crack about a certain scene from the 50th anniversary special. Any dialogue you recognize comes from the special. Let me say this again just so there is not any confusion: ANTI-MOFFAT
> 
> Oh yeah, and there's some strong language used.
> 
> On to the crack!

War, Sandshoes, and Chinny all stood around the big red button that should never be pushed, giving a short moment of silence for what they were about to do together. But a sniffle from off to the side caught Chinny’s attention.

“ _What_?” he snipped, looking in Clara’s direction. “What is it? What?” He couldn’t even remember what she was here for.

“Nothing,” she said as she shook her head, tears spilling down her rosy cheeks.

“No?” He tried not to roll his eyes at her but failed. “There’s something. Tell me,” he insisted.

“You told me you wiped out your own people, I just…I never pictured _you_ doing it. That’s all,” Clara said as she batted her big brown eyelashes.

Suddenly, they were all seemingly transported to a different portion of Gallifrey. The one where all the destruction was happening. Because you know, big giant Time War that is ripping apart the universe can only happen in one place. Budget cuts, ya know.

“What’s happening?” Clara asked, worry in her voice.

“Nothing. It’s a projection,” the War Doctor assured her.

They could smell the the fires, and they could see the destruction that was taking place right now across the planet. The children screaming for their mothers as the big scary pepper pots attacked, and a woman with giant man hands crying out for help before she was struck down tragically by the weight of them.

Clara whipped her head around so fast, she could have been out of the Exorcist. “These are the people you’re gonna burn?”

 _Damn skippy!_ The War Doctor thought as his other versions of himself looked harder at the destruction around them.

“There isn’t anything that we can do,” Sandshoes said sadly, a frown on his face.

Chinny was in agreement. “You’re right. There isn’t another way. There never was. Either I destroy my own people, or let the universe burn.”

Clara wasn’t giving up. The maypole children needed her help! “Look at you. The three of you. The Warrior, the Hero…and you.”

“What am I?” Chinny asked as he walked towards Clara.

 _I know._ The War Doctor thought. _An ass in a hat. An asshat! I like that word! Asshat! I must use that as much as possible if I ever make it out of here alive._ The War Doctor smiled, pleased with himself. It really was too bad that Chinny had ditched the fez or his inside joke would have been funnier.

“Have you really forgotten?” Clara asked with the best puppy dog eyes she could muster.

 _Blimey- do I have amnesia every regeneration now?_ The War Doctor thought.

“Yes. Maybe. Yes.” Chinny couldn’t decide because he could never tell if he was supposed to remember things or not from week to week.

Clara gave him a sad pitiful smile. “We got enough warriors. Any old idiot can be a hero.”

“Then what do I do?” Chinny asked.

Clara let her tears do their worst on him as she spoke, “What you’ve always done. Be a Doctor. You told me the name you chose was a promise. What was the promise?”

“Never cruel nor cowardly-” Sandshoes started, a deeper frown forming on his face. He knew what she was doing, the minx. How could Chinny fall for that?

“Never give up. Never give in,” The War Doctor finished.

As soon as he was done speaking, the twin suns rose on Gallifrey, bathing them all in the light of a new day, and the children were all magically okay because after all, it was the day time. Everyone knows that war doesn’t exist while it’s light out. Even the Daleks go home for a siesta. Besides, the best time for war is at night when it’s most dramatic right? See y'all at 6 pm, Time Lord killin’ time. It’s winter after all, so it gets dark pretty early.

The projection magically disappeared.

The three Doctors looked at each other quizzically as they huddled in a close circle. _What the fuck?_ All three simultaneously thought. Clara began to hop up and down behind the Doctors trying to get them to pay attention to her again. It didn’t matter that she had finished her portion of the plot. She was cute dammit!

“You’re not actually suggesting that we change our own personal history?” Sandshoes asked Chinny, looking at him like he had finally lost it.

“We change history all the time! I’m suggesting something far worse,” he loudly whispered among them.

“What exactly?” The War Doctor prodded.

“Gentlemen, I have had 400 years to think about this. I change my mind!”

“Yup, I’ve lost it,” the War Doctor spoke aloud before he could stop himself. He watched as the Doctor he had named Chinny whipped out his rather ridiculously large sonic and made the button lower back down into the Moment’s casing.

“There’s still a billion billion Daleks up there attacking!” The War Doctor shouted at him.

“Yup! There is!” Chinny proclaimed as Clara jumped up and down realizing her puppy dog act worked. She must be like the bestest most special companion ever.

“But! There is something those billion billion Daleks don’t know,” Sandshoes added.

“That you two are idiots?” The War Doctor muttered under his breath where no one could hear.

“And if they did they’d probably send for reinforcements,” Chinny finished not bothering to pay attention to what their older looking counterpart was grumping about.

“What? What do they not know?” Clara asked, trying to remain useful in the situation.

Chinny laughed. “This time there’s three of us.”

And that was the moment the War Doctor succumbed to the idiocy as well. “Oh! Oh! I get it now!” he exclaimed as he grabbed his head, gripping the hair he had left. “Oh yes that is good! It’s _brilliant_!”

“I’ve been thinking about it for centuries!” Chinny shouted as Sandshoes actually ran up and high fived his TARDIS.

The War Doctor continued his raving, getting his chance to finally be the crazy one in front of his counterparts. “She didn’t show me just any old future! She told me exactly the future I needed to see!”

“Who did?” Chinny laughed as he stared at the old man as he spun in a circle.

“Bad Wolf girl I could kiss you!” The War Doctor exclaimed to the heavens, blowing her a kiss.

“Wait a minute, wait a minute- hold up,” Sandshoes said as he strode over to the War Doctor, pushing Chinny out of the way in the process, his best Oncoming Storm look on his face. “Did you just say Bad Wolf?”

“Yes.”

“Don’t fuck with us old man,” Chinny warned as he crossed his lanky arms over his chest.

“I did! I said Bad Wolf! Why? Do you know her? She’s a hot young thing isn’t she?” The War Doctor told them as he waggled his eyebrows at them.

Sandshoes gave him a look that could regenerate one on the spot as he pointed at the War Doctor. “Watch it. That’s _my_ Rose you’re talking about there.”

“Hey! She’s mine too!” Chinny exclaimed, pointing at himself with both hands.

“Well if she’s _your_ Rose, why is it I’m the only one she appeared to…huh?” The War Doctor taunted.

As the men continued to argue over Rose Tyler, and who she loved most, they didn’t notice as someone crept inside the barn, very stealth like. Not even Clara was aware. She was still trying to get the Doctors’ attention by proving to them how cute she was by leaning against the TARDIS in as sexy a pose as she could muster. But instead, she fell over into the hay and knocked herself out on a stray brick.

A few moments later, that someone cleared their throat very loudly. The three Time Lords looked at each other and turned in the direction of the sound. There was a man standing by the box containing the Moment. The big red threatening button which should not ever be pushed was right under his hand. He looked at them with a mischievous glee that none of them had encountered before. He was tall and not quite as lanky as Chinny, but close. He had frosty gray hair and eyebrows that looked like they had a life of their own. He also appeared to be wearing a white dressing gown.

The three Doctors started for the man, to stop him. But before they could even get close enough he cried out, “Fuckity bye!” and slammed his hand down on the button.

“What did you do that for?” Sandshoes yelled. “We had it all worked out in a nondescript but acceptable to the casual viewer way!”

“I did it because I’m not a pussy, you asshat! You douchenozzles don’t know how big of a fucking mistake you were about to make. I did you a favor! Oh and Rose? She’s _mine_.” He smiled wickedly as he snatched up the Moment before sprinting out of the building as the ground beneath everyone’s feet began to shake.

And so- Gallifrey fell for the third time thanks to the Twelfth Doctor, because everyone else had succumbed to the illness called Moffatitis.

The End


End file.
